Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein
The Most Important Words
The Mishnah in Pirkei Avos (3:18) tells us, “He [Rabbi Akiva] used to say: Beloved is man who was created in the image of G-d. It is an even greater love that it was made known to him that he was created in the image of G-d.” What does this mean?
Imagine a poor man who has a bank account with just a few dollars deposited. He has not looked if he has made any money in thirty years. One day, a friend of his secretly goes to his bank and deposits one million dollars into his account. The poor man, however, has no idea that his friend just made him a millionaire. He still roams the streets and wears dirty clothing. He never considers checking his account because he never dreams that someone would ever give him so much money.
Now comes the question. Is this man a millionaire? He has no idea he has the money, he is living like a beggar and he will continue to live like a beggar for the rest of his life. The answer is that he may be worth a million dollars, but he is mentally a poor man.
The Mishnah teaches that Hashem not only showed us His love because He created us in His image, but he displayed extra love by telling us that He did so. If G-d would have created us with the potential of reaching such lofty spiritual levels, but never informed us of such potential, we would never live up to that greatness.
The same is true, continues the Mishnah, about the Jewish people at large. “The Jewish nation is beloved by G-d for they are called His children. It is an even greater love that it was made known to them that they are His children.” It makes the greatest difference when we are not only loved, but are told that we are loved.
A number of years ago, a very affluent, elderly gentleman approached me after I had spoken in Florida. I took one look at him and noticed that his eyes were full of tears. “Rabbi Wallerstein,” he said, “let me tell you something. My mother had eight children before the Holocaust. But then, so abruptly, she lost them all along with her husband. Her entire family was gone. She was devastated.
“Following the war, she came to America and married my father and had me. I was raised as a single child, but that only went so far. Never in my entire life did I ever hear my mother tell me, ‘I love you.’ I always wished to hear those loving words escape from her mouth, but they never did.
“Three days before she passed away, I sat with her in the hospital. Unexpectedly, she turned to me and said, ‘Hershel, there is something I never told you.’ As she said those words, I leaned over in my seat, waiting so eagerly to hear what she had to say. ‘Hershel, I am so proud of you.’
“Rabbi Wallerstein,” the man continued, “there was one day in my life where I made close to one hundred million dollars on a deal. I thought it was the most important day of my life. But in fact, it was nothing compared to the day my mother told me, ‘I am so proud of you.’ Those few words which my mother uttered to me before she passed away were more valuable than anything else I’ve ever had in my life. That was my biggest and best day of my life.
“Whenever you get up to speak,” this man said to me, “tell mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers to tell their children and grandchildren that they are proud of them and they love them. When children know that, then no matter what happens in a child’s life, those feelings will warm their heart and carry them through.”
R’ Akiva, the author of this Mishnah, lived a very difficult life and experienced an even more painful death at the hands of the Romans. Yet he is the one who tells us about love. “You want to know what love is?” says R’ Akiva. “Love is when you tell somebody how you feel about them.”
The most important words which can be said to a spouse, a child or a grandchild are “I love you” and “I’m proud of you.” Especially in a marriage, even if your spouse knows that you love them, it makes all the difference when you express it to them. When a wife tells her husband, “I am so proud of you. You work so hard for our family and we all so greatly appreciate it,” he skips into his car and heads off to work elated and energized. And when a husband tells his wife, “Thank you for everything you do for our family; I love you,” she feels happy, cared for, valued and beloved.
The same is with our children. When a parent’s love and belief in their child is felt so deeply, the child is capable of weathering any challenge which comes his or her way. Just consider the life of Yosef HaTzaddik.
Nobody in the entire Torah had a better reason to give up on life than Yosef. First, his brothers tried to kill him. Then they sold him into slavery into the lowliest land of Egypt and into the most decadent home of Potiphar and his wife, who libeled him. Yosef is all by himself without any care or support and nobody knows where he is.
Yet, despite all odds stacked against him, he didn’t give way to the pressures and advances of Potiphar’s wife. “Va’y’maein Yosef,” “But Yosef adamantly refused…” He emphatically rejected anything and everything Potiphar’s wife did to try to seduce him. But how did he do it? How was he able to so firmly repulse her with unwavering resolve when nothing was going for him?
In Parshas Vayeshev, there is one other instance where the word Va’y’maein is used. “Va’y’maein l’hisnachem,” “And Yaakov refused to be comforted…” Yaakov Avinu refused to believe his sons when they returned with a jacket full of blood and reported that Yosef had been attacked by an animal and torn to pieces. “I invested so much into Yosef, and now you are telling me he is dead! I won’t believe it until you show me his dead body!” Yaakov would not give in to believing that Yosef was dead.
And there was Yosef, hundreds of miles away, alone, lonely, and facing threats from the wife of Potiphar. But, he did have one thing. He had the knowledge that his father believed in him and loved him. “I know that my father, Yaakov, will never give up on me! I don’t know what my brothers are telling him, but I do know that until I am dead and he sees my body, he will refuse to be comforted!”
The Va’y’maein expressed by Yaakov was echoed by Yosef because Yosef knew that if his father refused to be comforted, he could refuse to give way to any pressures and challenges he faced in life.
Parent and grandparents must never underestimate how important it is for a child to hear the words, “I love you.” Let your children know, “No matter how far away you are and how deep you are in your darkest corner and darkest moment, you have a mother and father who will never, ever give up on you.” When a child hears those words, you can rest assured that the child will make it. They will come out from underneath against all odds and weather through the toughest and roughest of life’s challenges. And it is all because their parents love them, believe in them, and refuse to give up on them no matter what ever happens.
